the weight of love

Death.  It’s this terribly final moment in life when those around you are left with your glove.  Your shell is here but YOU are not.  What fills the void? Pain, sadness, grief, remorse, blame, shame…it could be any of the nasty heads of loss.  Should I have done this differently; would things have been different if…; If only I could…; How could I…; What will I do to go on?  Questions like these begin to fill the void that once held the smile, laughter, and memories that have been left behind.

But, why?  I mean, why does death hurt so much?  The answer is Love.  Love makes Death hurt.  As I walked into the ER on Monday and saw what was once my Grandpa the tears welled, the knot in my stomach tightened, and I realized that his wheezy laughter, his ornery remarks, and unrivaled love for his family, won’t be heard or experienced anymore.  I gave Doe a hug and she said in my ear, “I guess this is what happens when you love your family so much, huh?”

Yeah.  That’s exactly what happens.  The love that you learn, grow, and share with your family and friends is what makes Death so terrible.  It hurts to know that I won’t eat that delicious chili that he makes, that I won’t feel the boney embrace of his hug, and the strong smell of his after shave.  But I’ve been thinking a lot about what Doe said to me because it does hurt when we love our family and friends this much.  So I asked myself, can it be avoided?  Sadly, the answer is yes.

There are people so afraid of the hurt and pain that come with Death, that they choose to not love.  There are those that believe that love is childish or even fake, so they convince themselves to be static and unemotional.  These people probably don’t experience the hurt that comes with Death.  But at what cost?  On one hand we can spend our life alienating the ones around us so we don’t become too attached and in love with them so as to prevent the hurt that will inevitably come with loss….on the other hand we fully embrace the ones around us with whole hearts knowing that someday we will be slammed with the sudden and irreversible hurt of loss.  To some this is a hard line to walk.  For me, it’s a no-brainer.  I choose to live my life in love with those that God has placed in my life.  I choose to embrace the personality and quirks that we all have and cherish the moments I am privileged enough to experience.  I choose to walk through life with hands and hearts intertwined knowing that at some point in the future they will be ripped apart.

But why?  Why would I choose to live what some would call dangerous?  Because love, life, and the people that God has placed in our life isn’t banking.  It’s not finances.  We can’t measure relationships by what the rate of return may be.  There is no cost/benefit analysis of the people that we’ve been blessed with.  There is just love.  There is just the love that we have, the love that we learn, the love that we share, and the love that we grow with each other that matters.  So that’s what I’ll choose.  I choose love.  I choose love knowing that someday each relationship will break as I know it.  Death happens.

Death is inevitable; love is a gift.  I choose love.  I choose to jump in head first with those that God has placed in my life.  Someday those people won’t be in my life, and it will hurt.  But I’m OK with that, because the years, months, days, hours, and seconds that I was able to love with you is absolutely worth it.