we’re calling an audible

“The things we have going on in our life include ______.”

[Insert one or more of the following in the above sentence]:
  • completing a degree
  • homework
  • late night shifts at work
  • Wednesday night church
  • Sunday afternoons with family
  • all-night study sessions
  • spiritual formation
  • hanging out with friends
  • connecting with my spouse
  • cleaning
  • getting a healthy amount of sleep
  • planning and making dinners
  • paying bills
  • Monday night football
  • Monday/Tuesday night small group
  • etc.
  • etc.
  • etc.

– – – TIME OUT – – –

My wife and I have decided to call an audible.  What’s that you say?  Well, we’re gonna change gears for a bit.  We’ve realized that the defensive line in front of us has some nasty “ish” headed right for us and if we don’t alter course, we’re gonna nose dive into the ground.  So what does this mean, exactly?  Well, we decided that for two weeks we’re gonna take a time out.  No more of this going out night after night hanging out with friends and family, neglecting our chores and date night and family dinner and time to relax.  Don’t get us wrong, we LOVE our friends and family, AND feel like we’re able to clean and have date night and stuff.  But not in a way that we like at the moment.  Because of that love we have with our friends and family, we see the potential for neglecting ourselves and each other.

It’s really a tough spot: spend time with those you love and potentially be hit hard…or take a break from those we love for a time.  We decided on the latter.  So for two weeks we’re having a stay-cation.  We’re coming home after work and school instead of finding friends and family we would love to spend time with.  We’re not planning events with different people on different nights in order to be with everybody we love.

We’re taking a TIME OUT.

We love our friends and we love our family, but our Home is quite important to us.  I say big H “Home” on purpose.  Not just the few walls of the itty-bitty apartment we live in, but our well-being as well as the dishes.  We figured out that between the two of us, there is about 13 hours each week that we spend with friends and family and that we could spend at home.  So, we’re going to take those hours from all those people and places and things…and put them at home.  That doesn’t mean we’re not going to see anybody for two weeks!  That’s definitely not the case.  We just need to be smarter in how we do that.

So after a couple days when our home is cleaner and there is room for another human in our itty-bitty apartment, we’d love to have a couple friends over ONCE or TWICE (notice the emphasis on the fact that we still want to spend time with people, we’re just not going out every night) then come on over!!!  Well…you should probably call first.  But also, don’t get offended when we say ‘good night!” at 9 o’clock.

Simple pleasures

The art of the mini-staycation: blue cheese sliders, a walk to savers, a clean kitchen, Cars, and asleep by 1030. I love the small intentional evenings we can set aside just for us. Our phones were put away, the computer was off; it was just us, some tunes, and some great food!

Now I’m up in the early hours, enjoying a cup of coffee and getting ready to go work at the best job ever.

It’s a blessing to find joy in the simple things.

creation and carnage

So I’ve been thinking a lot about creation and God’s power.  So my strange thoughts throughout the day usually threaded through that idea.  Yesterday I was driving on the 405 down to Men’s Group at St. Matthew’s and there was suddenly red lights ahead, cars slamming on their breaks, and next thing I know I’m at a dead stop on the 405.  This, in and of itself, is nothing extraordinary at 5:45 in the evening; traffic happens.  However, while at this stop my brain started to whirl.

I’ll attempt to take you on this journey, if you get lost, well I’ll just keep to the code and those that fall behind, get left behind.  It’s nothing personal.

Here we go: “Dang, this traffic sucks.  I hope nobody got in an accident.  I don’t see any emergency lights so maybe it’s just a crappy spot on the freeway.  A car accident…that would suck.  I hope I don’t get in a car accident.  Wait, I’ve been in a car accident.  Ya know, I think I healed pretty well from that.  Wow.  Healing is cool.  God made healing.  Why would God make our bodies to heal so fast?  I mean, God [at this point I’m now conversing with God] why did you make it work so fast?

God: Because I love you.  I was pretty proud of what I made so I when it broke, I’d want it to fix itself.

Me: But God, you couldn’t have made it pause a little bit?  I mean, sometimes we have to stop the healing process cause it’s just too fast.  Look at a cast.  If we didn’t put a broken arm in a cast, the arm would just go right on healing and then we’d look funny.

God: Yup.  Glad you caught on to that.  If you looked funny do you think I’d be any less proud of what I made?

Me: Uhhhhhh….

God: Well said.  I’d love you anyways.

Me: Well, thanks for that.  Anyway, healing is pretty cool!  All those little guys inside my blood and bones that get to work and start putting things back together…all those little guys fighting off diseases and germs and stuff…

God: Yup.”

So at this point I’m in a Magic School Bus/Braveheart scene where I’ve shrunk down and am witnessing the battle carnage going on as my body fights off disease and germs.  (I’m glad God so loved the world that he created healing.)

Then I look back at the wheel, see my hands and think, “Hm, I should wash my hands.”

That was my drive to Bible study.  On a side not, traffic cleared and I made it there on time.

my confessions

How to Loose a Guy in 10 Day.  Hilarious movie.  When the dog pee’s on the poker table…classic.  The crazy love fern…psychotic.  Funny movie.  A family favorite part of that movie is when the couple is out to eat and the girl isn’t eating.  After a pathetic, “No I’m fine with just a salad,” she breaks down and says, “My boyfriend thinks I’m FAT!”

A very strange thing happens at that moment.

Another story is one maybe a little more familiar.  The cookie jar is on the counter enticing you.  You sneak a peak, mom is out of the room, you grab a cookie and bolt.  In your haste, some crumbs fall on the floor, you have chocolate in the corner of your mouth, and you didn’t put the lid back on.  Mother calls you back and says, “What do you think happened to the cookie jar?”  “I don’t know,” is your reply.  Your crafty mom asks in different ways time and time again: “How do you think the lid came off? Where did the last cookie go? Do you have something on your face?”  This goes on and on until you break down and say, “I’m sorry!  I stole the cookie.”

Again, an interesting phenomenon.  It’s the boiling over of emotion, guilt, sadness, fear, whatever, that suddenly bursts from a person.  It’s the kind of boiling over that leads to an icky confession.  Tonight, is my boiling over.  I’ve been asked many, many, many times about why I haven’t blogged in a while.  My incredible wife has politely asked me to blog again and again.  I change the subject, I avoid the question, I make excuses.  The truth is, I have blogged.  I just didn’t want to post anything.

Why?  What’s the point of blogging if you don’t post it?  Well, the truth is, I have some nasty pride issues.  I mean, the kind of pride that hurt when people didn’t comment on my posts.  The kind of pride that hoped the entire world would read my blog.  The kind of pride that inflated beyond belief when “my blog” (namely: me) was complemented or commented or brought up in discussion.

Now, before you scoff and say, “That’s the point of blogging: so people read your ideas.”  Well my pride was bigger than just my blog.  I was seeking recognition for stuff I didn’t earn; I was falling into a pattern of trying to show off at work to get a nod from a higher up; I was trying to act a certain way to my students so they would perceive me as such AND complement me about it; I was so enamored by the elation of my pride that I lost almost all sense of humility.

Some people reading this will think, “I never knew that…”  Well, cheers.  Apparently I was damn good at it.  I was so good at showing off that you didn’t know I was showing off.

So tonight, at 12:36am PST, sitting on the floor of my living room with my wife taking a 20-minute nap  between homework assignments, I start up my blog again.  But this time I do it by confessing my pride and asking for your forgiveness.  I’m sorry I was deceitful, I’m sorry I was vain and conceited, I’m sorry that my pride blew up WAY too much.  My goal in the next blogging season is to have a righteous pride.  Not a vain pride in what I’ve created, but a righteous pride in expressing how God’s image is created in me.  I want to “poiema God’s bara’.”  (This idea came from a sweet podcast from RockHarbor. Please listen to it when you have a spare 42 minutes.  It will change your life.)

So this is a new page, of a new chapter, in a new book.

Here I am poiema-ing…yeah, that’s a word now.

My Finale

I’m coming to the end of my career at Biola and what better way than to end it than Scrubs?  You see, hours upon hours, maybe even days, of my life at Biola was spent watching Scrubs.  The mostly comedic, but slight undertones of morality and justice to humanity made this show one of my favorites.  The 8 seasons, all resting comfortably on my hard drive, encapsulated the humor, sadness, friendship, loyalty, accomplishment, and value, that I sought during my years in college.  It may sound strange to others, but there was something redeeming in a show that I could watch to “unwind” and be gifted with a truth about how to treat others around you, or what really holds value in life.  The finale of the series ended gloriously with it’s use of unknown-indie-rock-monologue in J.D. saying, 

“Endings are never easy… I’m not even sure why it matters to me so much how things end. I guess it’s because we all want to believe that what we do is very important. That people hang on to our every word, that they care what we think. The truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better. After that, it’s all about the people you let into your life.”

This week is my finale at Biola.  Not like a “oh man you’ve been dead this whole time” (LOST reference), type of finale.  The ending I’m talking about it the kind that lame sitcoms depict with a man opening a door, the sunlight shining in the room making his body a silhouette, he turns around, smiles at what and whom he’s leaving behind, and takes a step into the wild blue yonder. 

I will be honest in saying that I am filled with much trepidation.  Note: this is different than fear.  I am leaving an era of my life that was very comfortable.  I had a schedule that was set in stone for 18 weeks at a time, and then was given a new one that wouldn’t change for another 18 weeks.  I sat in the same desk, had the same teachers, talked to the same friends, went home each night around the same time, got the same amount of sleep (not much), and every year was granted a reprieve for at least 6 weeks.  It wasn’t a stereotypical “rammen and PB&J” lifestyle of a college student, but I definitely had my fair share of Jerry-rigged furniture, dorm room shenanigans, late night adventures, $2 dates, paradigm shifting conversations, and an ample supply of procrastination.

But in the end, after all that, it’s the people that have made the largest impression on me while in college.  I’ve been asked if I thought it was “worth it” to go to such an expensive school.  It isn’t until now, when I’m at the threshold of graduating, that I have an answer: YES.  Uncle Sam and I have spent more money at Biola than I care to add up and share with the blogging world, but each relationship was worth every penny.  Yes, there are some people that I may not speak to again as we go our separate ways, but their influence was crucial in my development as a person and as a student.  Other people are the kind of relationships that after they go on some crazy hippie adventure for 2 years, the brief times we reunite will seem like not a day has gone by.  And then there are the connections that last a lifetime.  The kind that you plan on being sappy vacation buddies with forever.  The kind that hopefully your kids will fall in love with their kids and then you’ll always get to hang out and call them family.

I can honestly say that I have many of each kind from Biola.  And I’m thankful for each one.  And now that I can reflect more and more what Biola has meant to me, one of the most important parts is my wife.  The Biola cliché is: ring by Spring.  You may laugh, but girls all over campus are having the DTR (Define The Relationship) conversation to try to nudge their foot-dragging-boyfriend along.  Campus newspaper and magazine articles often talk about dating the right people, how to have a good first date, things to avoid, date ideas, and so on… and I always scoff.  I mean, it is a bit ridiculous!  But here I am, having taken incredible classes (and I would think this is bigger than just a Psych major), and each has taught me some amazing truths about women, who God created them to be, how to treat them, and how not to treat them, and what a marriage relationship is supposed to look like.

So here I am at my ending.  And I DO wish that I made an impact on people’s life.  I’ll admit that there were many times when I foolishly hoped people would hang on my every word, that I would be noticed and appreciated, that people would care what I think.  But at Biola I was graciously given that.  People do care what I think, people do care about what I have to say, they do value me.  And my hope is that somehow, after all is said and done, I will have made an impact on somebody’s life.  I know I gripe and moan about school quite often (that’s the mantle most college kids are required to take), but now that I’m near the end, my gripes aren’t at the people.  The people are what matter.  I have issues with the system, and The Man of Biola (not Jesus, the other Man), but the people are incredible.  I’m thankful for those that I let into my life, and those that let me into theirs.

Bomb Shelters and Bears

Someday, long from now I will be strong.  I don’t mean gym-lifting strong.  I mean strong like an old man.  Old man strength is an incredible phenomenon.  I’m not sure when I happens but there’s some equation of [Life experience]+[age] that when the mixture is right, an old man becomes strong.  It’s the kind of strength that allows a frail old man to shake your hand with a vice-like grip.  It’s the kind of strength that allows a 50 year old man to single handedly lift the boat off the beach and then captain it away from shore.  It’s the kind of strength that allows a 75 year old man to build a storage shed that will withstand The Big One.  It’s the kind of old man strength that I know I don’t have, but pray that someday I will.
 
My Opa is one of the strongest men I know.  Today is his birthday.  He is 76.  I intentionally say “is”, and “know”, not “was” and “knew”.  He will never be a “was.”  His legacy is too strong.  His Old Man Strength built his legacy and sustains it.  At 75 he built a storage shed complete with windows and rain gutters.  In his 60s he built the bear at California Adventure. In his 50s he build buildings in LA and Long Beach.  All throughout his life he was a builder.  Bridges, buildings, chicken houses (not really, but that’s a family thing), train sets, mangers, certain things, and the all important contraptions.  More importantly he built a home.  He built a marriage and a life for a family that in the beginning had very little.  He came to the U.S. in 1960 with something like $4 in his pocket.  That didn’t stop him.  The makings of his Old Man Strength were brewing within his soul, even back then.  Over the years he built his bank account, his status, his education.  And his strength continued to pour out of him onto the world.
 
Even with him in heaven, I can still see the ripples of his Old Man Strength.  I see it in his wife of 49 years as she continues to strive each day to live with the strength and joy he gave her.  I see it in his daughter as she provides for the family under her roof, her mom, and the families that have moved on to other parts of the state.  I see his Old Man Strength in his grandsons as they still take the lessons they learned from him and apply them to life and the people they see.  I see his Old Man Strength every time I visit my Oma and smile at the shed/bomb shelter he built.  I see his Old Man Strength when I stroll through California Adventure and the bear is smiling up towards heaven.
 
Old Man Strength is incredible.  It’s a force so strong, yet at the same time so delicate.  His touch at one moment is full of embrace and warmth in a hug, and bubbling beneath the surface of that embrace is a strength and determination of will and protection that seems endless.  Opa is strong.
 
Someday I want to be strong like my Opa.  When I’m 75 I want to be able to carry a 90lb sack of soil like it was 10.  I want to be able to embrace my wife of 54 years with utter devotion and tenderness.  I want to be able to live each day devoted to my Jesus, devoted to my family, striving to live with joy and compassion, and still under the surface be able to arm wrestle my grandkids and win.  Thanks Opa for your Old Man Strength.



I love lamp.

Ron:  Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick:  I love lamp. I love lamp.
—————
This has been on my mind for a while but I haven’t been able to articulate it until now.  Have you heard the song, “God of Wonders”?  It’s a few years old, and unfortunately is sometimes sung more cheesy than “Happy Birthday“.  (Cheesy Christian worship music will be saved for another blog day.)


There is a few lines in the song that say, “God of wonders beyond our galaxy… The universe declares your majesty… Early in the morning I will celebrate the light… God of wonders beyond our galaxy…“


I realize that God is BIG!  The universe is big; God is BIG.  There is a difference.  To be big infers size.  Mountains are big, stars are big, my bank account is not big.  To be BIG is so much more.  It saddens me that sometimes people sing songs about how BIG God is, or read scriptures about how BIG God is, and jump straight to the size of God and how large He is.  Yes, God is big.  So big He made the universe, stars, and my bank account.  But there is so much more to God and how BIG he is.


Have you ever thought while you sang worship songs, “How is this possible?”  I know that some people are more scientifically minded than others, and so obviously the answer for some people is, “nope!”  Well, I do.  It was during a particularly less cheesy version of this song that I thought what it meant that God is bigger than the universe and to celebrate light.


Now for a journey:


A projector screen shines light onto a flat, white surface.  The surface reflects the light to your eyes.  The lens in your eyes flips the image upside down and projects it onto your retina.  Your optic nerve connected to the retina sends the image to the brain.  The brain flips the image.  Simultaneously the brain figures out the differences in light and dark areas, makes sense of the symbols, and sends the information to another part of your brain.  This part of the brain tells your diaphragm to contract, pushing air out of your lungs.  The air passes through your voice box, vibrating your vocal chords.  Another part of your brain (simultaneously) tells the muscles around your vocal chords how much to contract and relax, the muscles in your mouth how much to contract and relax, and now you are singing.  At this point another part of your brain is monitoring how much air you have in your lungs and when you’ll need to breath again, the pitch of the noise you are making and how to correct and match the sounds around you, and when the words change to make different sounds.


WOW!!!!


All that just so you can say, “G-”  You haven’t even gotten to the “-od of wonders” part!!  Too often I think people get hung up on “beyond” being farther than something.  I object.  God’s “beyond” beings Him closer.  When I think of beyond, I see light around me, dirt in my fingernails, and ice-cubes conducting cold into my beverage.  When I think of beyond, I think of BIG.  I think of the God that knows the intricacies of everything, where it comes from, where it’s been, how it works, and where it’s going.  When I think of beyond, I see the lamp sitting next to me and realize that without friction I wouldn’t be able to turn the switch on; without the incredible body that God has created, I wouldn’t be able to see the light that comes from the lamp.


Think about that next time your go for a walk.  What would your walk look like if God didn’t think up gravity?  Next time you take a test, what would it be like if paper didn’t reflect light and your brain couldn’t read it.  Next time you’re at a stop like, what would it be like if there was no friction for your tires to grab the road?  Next time you sing the song, “God of Wonders” what would it be like if we realized that there are wonders much closer than stars and galaxies that are equally, if not more, wondrous!


I love lamp!


And in honor of all things lamp, a photo of the best lamp.  Because I’ve heard that blog entries are more exciting with photos.  And what lamp is more exciting than this:

ANSWER: NONE.


Dear Brian…

 Can you do me a favor?  It’s easy.  Can you drive a Toyota Sienna, head down to Mexico, sleep in the dirt, and minister to kids for a week?  There’s a catch: you’ll be sleeping next to roosters that don’t understand when to crow, in a cow field, it will be super windy so likely you won’t sleep much, you can’t shower, and I’ll be messing with your team before you go?  Oh, and the lesson of “Duck and Cover” might come in handy.  Sound good?  Thanks!  I’ll meet you there.

Love,
God.
———————————————–
I know I’ve slacked a bit on the blogging front.  I’ve had a lot going on in my life the past few months, and most of that has taken a lot of processing internally; not quite blogging material.  But today, I return and what’s on my mind is Santo Niño, Cuernavaca, and the Mexicali Valley.  Some of you may know that I went with my church to Mexico over Spring break.  We took about 70 high school students, and 30 adults and translators.  We split into 6 teams of 15 or so, and had a drama team.  Each team went to their own church to partner and do ministry.  It was awesome.  And now that I’m back, it has taken almost three weeks to work through in my head how I’ve grown, and where God revealed himself to us throughout the week.
Often we are jaded by the unrealistic stories in the Bible.  I mean, really?  Sitting in the belly of a fish for 3 days… people scattered throughout the Earth and languages changed… a flood covering the Earth and drowning everybody… people dropping dead because they lied about how much they tithe… spit in the dirt to heal blindness… the stories go on, and on, and on…
But I can honestly say that scriptures are alive, dynamic, and relevant today.  The healing in the Bible happens today, the phenomena in the Bible also happen today, the revelations of God still happen today!  Mexicali this year was a revelation of how real and incredible scripture is for us.
We went down to Mexico with the idea of, “We’re going to do ministry WITH the churches of Mexicali, not FOR the churches.  We’re going where God already is.”  So we searched for God in what we did, people we met, and experiences we had.

The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.”  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind.

And there was wind!  The squished tent is mine.  All day, all night, for a few days non-stop.  It was brutal.  Tents were ripping, poles were snapping, chairs were flying across the camp, it was difficult to drive, play soccer, and really just be anywhere in the wind.  Oleg actually got trapped in his tent for a bit because the wind was holding the door of his tent shut.

After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.

And the ground shook!  We happened to be in Wal-Mart during the quake.  7.2 centered just outside of Mexicali.  I can honestly say that it was terrifying.  We knew God’s protection was over us.  Without a dought he brought us all through that.  But protection and presence passing by are two different things.  And we still searched for God.

“After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.”

Se llama Daniel.  (His name is Daniel)  Those on my team might say that “gentle” wouldn’t necessarily encompass who Daniel is.  I would object.  Yes, he played a bit rough, wrestling was one of his most favorite past times, but he was such a wonderful kid to just sit and have a conversation with.  He was one of the sweetest boys at our village.  And on Wednesday, after the winds, after the earthquake, and after the fires from the earthquakes were extinguished, we felt God’s presence.
When I say feel, I mean like dripping off our fingertips, air almost too heavy to breath, the only reaction was to succumb to the tears welling up in our eyes.  God was there.  There was so much love that He moved 8 kids to accept the death of the Son as a sacrifice for their sins and desire to follow him for the rest of their life.  And Daniel prayed with passion and conviction that he was sinful and Jesus was the only answer.

 

We searched for God’s presence all week.  Please don’t read this as, “God didn’t show up til Wednesday.”  That’s definitely not what I mean.  God was there.  God protected our team of 100 people during a 7.2 earthquake and hundreds of aftershocks, God delivered us from the winds and allowed ministry to still happen, God broke down the barriers of insecurity and shame to bring together an incredible team that was able to be open and real with each other.
But God’s presence, for me, was evident on Wednesday.  And now it’s almost three weeks later, I still haven’t been able to shake that feeling and image form my mind, and the truth of scriptures is brought to my attention.
How incredible is that the stories and scriptures about Elijah still hold truth and power today?
I love experiences like this where the scriptures come alive.  I love when God’s love and desire becomes so real that the only response is the fall on my knees in awe and joy.  I love when I find myself so deep in the reality of God’s mercy and plan for humanity, that there is no distinction between my tears of joy and the waters of grace in which I wade.
———————————————–
Dear God,

Thank you!

Love,

Brian